I don't know if people that live in the lower 48 have this
problem, but here in S.E. Alaska we sometimes get these bananas from the store
that never will ripen. They stay green
and disgusting forever, no matter what you do.
Hang them, put them in a brown paper bag, leave on the counter - it
doesn't matter, they stay green. I call
these Zombie Bananas. They creep me
out.... kinda like apples that don't oxidize and turn brown when left out. They are un-natural and freaky. But I digress...
I feel like I need to change my blog to Zombie Bananas
instead of Green Bananas, it seems much more fitting considering it's been a
year since I've blogged. I am horrible
at it, always have been bad at keeping any type of journal. I love to write, but don't make enough time
for it. So I am just going to give a
quick update of what's happened in the last year.
The short of it is I felt half-way decent for the rest of
the summer of 2011, spent 3 weeks in Utah visiting family and walking all over
the place, went on short summer hikes with my kiddos, picked berries, canned
jam, played with friends and decided to Home School my oldest. Then I quickly went downhill.
I don't know if you know what it is like to live in constant
pain. According to pain level charts, I
live at pain levels between 7 and 9. It
changes a person, and not for the better.
I like to think that I'm a fairly positive, person. But, my life is indeed the definition of a rut. And I am very much stuck in it.
I was depressed. I
had a hard time getting out of bed most days.
I hurt standing, sitting, laying.
I couldn't lay on one side because it made something hurt, and the other
side made something else hurt and then laying on my back I have to keep my
knees bent so that my back wouldn't hurt.
I literally have worn holes in my bedding from tossing and turning. When I noticed this happening to my sheets,
it made me ever more depressed. I took
so much OTC pain killer that I think I'm lucky that my kidneys and liver are
still functioning properly.
My kids lived on frozen gogurts and granola bars because
that was the food they could get to easily, until I could manage to get up and
prepare something more substantial for them.
I pray every day that my days spent in bed haven't messed them up for
life, and I also thank my Heavenly Father that I was blessed with such well
behaved and independent children. Not
many people could leave a 6 year old and a 3 year old in another room and know
they were safe and not causing trouble.
They would play on PBS kids and color.
And when they needed attention from me would bring me stacks and stacks
of books to read to them. They are such
good helpers to me, and without them I wouldn't be able to get both of my socks
on.
I think my family and I have been surprised at how quickly
my health declined. There are probably a
couple factors that caused this but they aren't important. There were days I wished that I could just
chop my left leg off. The bone and
muscle pain more than I wanted to deal with.
Then a friend of mine lost his leg in a preventable accident, and I
looked up to the sky and said to God, "Okay! I get your point. It can ALWAYS be worse." I decided having legs that don't work the
way they are supposed to was still better than not having a leg. I may have to drag my legs every step I make,
but I have them.
I'm not writing this in hopes to get sympathy, for people to
feel sorry for me, or pity me in any way.
What I need is: Understanding.
Patience. Support. Sincerity, and Love.
One thing I was thinking about the other day in the shower
was how much I HATE the word Endure.
Endure means to Suffer Patiently.
SERIOUSLY??!! No one has EVER
accused me of being patient - Because I am not!
I have been given several priesthood blessings over the last few
years. In each of them I have been told
to endure. Except for a blessing I got
for my knees that seriously made them virtually pain free for 5 years, the
other blessings have not promised swift recovery, or relief from pain. I've been told to ENDURE. Well.... I have the suffering part down
pat. I will forever be working on the
patience part.
Although my pain has not decreased, I am not feeling so down
as I was a few months ago. I noticed
that I had started to put weight back on and that was NOT okay. Detrimental even, for my health and well
being. I started using doTERRA Slim
& Sassy Essential oils and shakes and quickly lost 10 lbs. The lowest weight I got down to last year was
315 lbs. I think I am around 319 at the
moment but I'm working on that.
DETERMINED. I am going to get
below 300 lbs this year. I must. This is no easy task since I can barely walk,
let alone exercise. But I'm trying to
move more, we go swimming as a family, and Ken and I are going to be doing yoga
regularly. There are things I can't do
due to my lack of hip socket, but I'm trying not to let that keep me from the
things I can.
I want to get at least one of my hips replaced this year,
and recovery will be much smoother if I'm not so heavy. So, I'm reviving this blog, and asking the
few of you who might read this to encourage me to write, and talk about things
that are on my mind as I work on enduring this test I've been given, and work
on loosing all the baggage and weight that accompany it.
