On a Plateau, but don't care for the view.

I've been writing.  No, I really have.  I have just been keeping it to myself.  My journal writing has been dark, depressing... and sadly, true.  I don't think I purposefully try to keep on a smiling face.  Pretend that I am okay and that everything is fine.  It's obviously not.  It's just that I don't know what's okay to put out there.  I already feel like I've lost friends because of my health issues...maybe they weren't really that great of friends.  But I don't want to push it with the 8 people that read my blog.  How much do you REALLY want to know?  I am hurting badly, both physically and emotionally.... and there isn't anything I, or anyone for that matter, can do for me that they aren't all ready doing.  I'm in the middle of this terrible waiting game and I'm really tired of playing.  Really.  Tired.

On a positive note I have a really great ward family, esp Relief Society president and bishop.  Every month I will have a weight loss partner.  Someone to challenge and support me so long as I do the same for them.  This month it's the Relief Society president.  She is beautiful, and strong, and in fantastic shape, but like she told me (and I agree) who doesn't need to loose 5 lbs.  5lbs, that's it.  She challenged me to lose 5 lbs with her during the month of July.  I have lost 3 lbs since the last time I weighed in.  Hopefully this added accountability will be enough to help me past this current plateau.

Zombie Bananas

I don't know if people that live in the lower 48 have this problem, but here in S.E. Alaska we sometimes get these bananas from the store that never will ripen.  They stay green and disgusting forever, no matter what you do.  Hang them, put them in a brown paper bag, leave on the counter - it doesn't matter, they stay green.  I call these Zombie Bananas.  They creep me out.... kinda like apples that don't oxidize and turn brown when left out.  They are un-natural and freaky.  But I digress...

I feel like I need to change my blog to Zombie Bananas instead of Green Bananas, it seems much more fitting considering it's been a year since I've blogged.  I am horrible at it, always have been bad at keeping any type of journal.  I love to write, but don't make enough time for it.  So I am just going to give a quick update of what's happened in the last year.

The short of it is I felt half-way decent for the rest of the summer of 2011, spent 3 weeks in Utah visiting family and walking all over the place, went on short summer hikes with my kiddos, picked berries, canned jam, played with friends and decided to Home School my oldest.  Then I quickly went downhill.

I don't know if you know what it is like to live in constant pain.  According to pain level charts, I live at pain levels between 7 and 9.  It changes a person, and not for the better.  I like to think that I'm a fairly positive, person.  But, my life is indeed the definition of a rut.  And I am very much stuck in it.

I was depressed.  I had a hard time getting out of bed most days.  I hurt standing, sitting, laying.  I couldn't lay on one side because it made something hurt, and the other side made something else hurt and then laying on my back I have to keep my knees bent so that my back wouldn't hurt.  I literally have worn holes in my bedding from tossing and turning.  When I noticed this happening to my sheets, it made me ever more depressed.  I took so much OTC pain killer that I think I'm lucky that my kidneys and liver are still functioning properly. 

My kids lived on frozen gogurts and granola bars because that was the food they could get to easily, until I could manage to get up and prepare something more substantial for them.  I pray every day that my days spent in bed haven't messed them up for life, and I also thank my Heavenly Father that I was blessed with such well behaved and independent children.  Not many people could leave a 6 year old and a 3 year old in another room and know they were safe and not causing trouble.  They would play on PBS kids and color.  And when they needed attention from me would bring me stacks and stacks of books to read to them.  They are such good helpers to me, and without them I wouldn't be able to get both of my socks on.

I think my family and I have been surprised at how quickly my health declined.  There are probably a couple factors that caused this but they aren't important.  There were days I wished that I could just chop my left leg off.  The bone and muscle pain more than I wanted to deal with.  Then a friend of mine lost his leg in a preventable accident, and I looked up to the sky and said to God, "Okay!  I get your point.  It can ALWAYS be worse."   I decided having legs that don't work the way they are supposed to was still better than not having a leg.  I may have to drag my legs every step I make, but I have them.

I'm not writing this in hopes to get sympathy, for people to feel sorry for me, or pity me in any way.  What I need is: Understanding.  Patience.  Support.  Sincerity, and Love.

One thing I was thinking about the other day in the shower was how much I HATE the word Endure.  Endure means to Suffer Patiently.  SERIOUSLY??!!  No one has EVER accused me of being patient - Because I am not!  I have been given several priesthood blessings over the last few years.  In each of them I have been told to endure.  Except for a blessing I got for my knees that seriously made them virtually pain free for 5 years, the other blessings have not promised swift recovery, or relief from pain.  I've been told to ENDURE.  Well.... I have the suffering part down pat.  I will forever be working on the patience part.

Although my pain has not decreased, I am not feeling so down as I was a few months ago.  I noticed that I had started to put weight back on and that was NOT okay.  Detrimental even, for my health and well being.  I started using doTERRA Slim & Sassy Essential oils and shakes and quickly lost 10 lbs.  The lowest weight I got down to last year was 315 lbs.  I think I am around 319 at the moment but I'm working on that.  DETERMINED.  I am going to get below 300 lbs this year.  I must.  This is no easy task since I can barely walk, let alone exercise.  But I'm trying to move more, we go swimming as a family, and Ken and I are going to be doing yoga regularly.  There are things I can't do due to my lack of hip socket, but I'm trying not to let that keep me from the things I can. 

I want to get at least one of my hips replaced this year, and recovery will be much smoother if I'm not so heavy.  So, I'm reviving this blog, and asking the few of you who might read this to encourage me to write, and talk about things that are on my mind as I work on enduring this test I've been given, and work on loosing all the baggage and weight that accompany it.