Zombie Bananas

I don't know if people that live in the lower 48 have this problem, but here in S.E. Alaska we sometimes get these bananas from the store that never will ripen.  They stay green and disgusting forever, no matter what you do.  Hang them, put them in a brown paper bag, leave on the counter - it doesn't matter, they stay green.  I call these Zombie Bananas.  They creep me out.... kinda like apples that don't oxidize and turn brown when left out.  They are un-natural and freaky.  But I digress...

I feel like I need to change my blog to Zombie Bananas instead of Green Bananas, it seems much more fitting considering it's been a year since I've blogged.  I am horrible at it, always have been bad at keeping any type of journal.  I love to write, but don't make enough time for it.  So I am just going to give a quick update of what's happened in the last year.

The short of it is I felt half-way decent for the rest of the summer of 2011, spent 3 weeks in Utah visiting family and walking all over the place, went on short summer hikes with my kiddos, picked berries, canned jam, played with friends and decided to Home School my oldest.  Then I quickly went downhill.

I don't know if you know what it is like to live in constant pain.  According to pain level charts, I live at pain levels between 7 and 9.  It changes a person, and not for the better.  I like to think that I'm a fairly positive, person.  But, my life is indeed the definition of a rut.  And I am very much stuck in it.

I was depressed.  I had a hard time getting out of bed most days.  I hurt standing, sitting, laying.  I couldn't lay on one side because it made something hurt, and the other side made something else hurt and then laying on my back I have to keep my knees bent so that my back wouldn't hurt.  I literally have worn holes in my bedding from tossing and turning.  When I noticed this happening to my sheets, it made me ever more depressed.  I took so much OTC pain killer that I think I'm lucky that my kidneys and liver are still functioning properly. 

My kids lived on frozen gogurts and granola bars because that was the food they could get to easily, until I could manage to get up and prepare something more substantial for them.  I pray every day that my days spent in bed haven't messed them up for life, and I also thank my Heavenly Father that I was blessed with such well behaved and independent children.  Not many people could leave a 6 year old and a 3 year old in another room and know they were safe and not causing trouble.  They would play on PBS kids and color.  And when they needed attention from me would bring me stacks and stacks of books to read to them.  They are such good helpers to me, and without them I wouldn't be able to get both of my socks on.

I think my family and I have been surprised at how quickly my health declined.  There are probably a couple factors that caused this but they aren't important.  There were days I wished that I could just chop my left leg off.  The bone and muscle pain more than I wanted to deal with.  Then a friend of mine lost his leg in a preventable accident, and I looked up to the sky and said to God, "Okay!  I get your point.  It can ALWAYS be worse."   I decided having legs that don't work the way they are supposed to was still better than not having a leg.  I may have to drag my legs every step I make, but I have them.

I'm not writing this in hopes to get sympathy, for people to feel sorry for me, or pity me in any way.  What I need is: Understanding.  Patience.  Support.  Sincerity, and Love.

One thing I was thinking about the other day in the shower was how much I HATE the word Endure.  Endure means to Suffer Patiently.  SERIOUSLY??!!  No one has EVER accused me of being patient - Because I am not!  I have been given several priesthood blessings over the last few years.  In each of them I have been told to endure.  Except for a blessing I got for my knees that seriously made them virtually pain free for 5 years, the other blessings have not promised swift recovery, or relief from pain.  I've been told to ENDURE.  Well.... I have the suffering part down pat.  I will forever be working on the patience part.

Although my pain has not decreased, I am not feeling so down as I was a few months ago.  I noticed that I had started to put weight back on and that was NOT okay.  Detrimental even, for my health and well being.  I started using doTERRA Slim & Sassy Essential oils and shakes and quickly lost 10 lbs.  The lowest weight I got down to last year was 315 lbs.  I think I am around 319 at the moment but I'm working on that.  DETERMINED.  I am going to get below 300 lbs this year.  I must.  This is no easy task since I can barely walk, let alone exercise.  But I'm trying to move more, we go swimming as a family, and Ken and I are going to be doing yoga regularly.  There are things I can't do due to my lack of hip socket, but I'm trying not to let that keep me from the things I can. 

I want to get at least one of my hips replaced this year, and recovery will be much smoother if I'm not so heavy.  So, I'm reviving this blog, and asking the few of you who might read this to encourage me to write, and talk about things that are on my mind as I work on enduring this test I've been given, and work on loosing all the baggage and weight that accompany it.

So, the other day we went to Costco to stock up on basics; flour, sugar, butter, eggs.  I go through so much of these things that it’s crazy.  Anyway… as we were carrying the groceries in it hit me.  25 lbs. That’s how much weight I’ve lost since I started doing Weight Watchers at the end of January of this year.  30 lbs total since the beginning of this year.  It doesn’t seem like that much to me because I am disgusted that I was as big as I was, and I’m still wearing the same clothes that I was before (they just actually fit me now).  But, 25 lbs is significant.  That’s the weight of a small child, (my son until the age of 3.5) and a Costco bag of flour, or sugar.  Those are kinda heavy and kinda awkward…. And that’s how much weight I’ve lost.  I think that’s pretty cool.  And it’s enough of an incentive to want to keep it off and continue losing.

I recently went to San Francisco with my awesome Mom in Law (and NO kids) and had a blast.  We walked and rode the bus EVERYWHERE and actually ate pretty healthy.  It was encouraging to come home from a vacation and not have gained any weight.  However, I haven’t yet got back into the swing of things since being home the last few weeks, I’m not counting points, and not religiously exercising.  I need a kick in the pants to get me going again. 

I have a weigh in on the 27^th.  The first of the monthly weigh ins at Pavitts.  If I can keep the weight I lost off during the Lose2Win contest for a whole year, they will give me $100.  That I can do.  I think I need these contests to really stay motivated.  I knew my chance of winning the $1000 for the Lose2Win was slim, but this one I think I pretty much have that $100 in the bag.

Additional motivation factors: I recently went to see an orthopedic surgeon.  Up until this time I was getting all my info from my chiropractor.  I didn’t really hear anything I hadn’t heard all ready, but I wanted to hear it from a surgeon I guess.  What I did get was an idea of exactly how severe my problem was.  The normal hip is supposed to have sockets.  I don’t have any on either hip, and because of that, my hip bones have slid up and are wearing in an areas that it shouldn’t.  I walk like a gimp because my left leg is a couple inches shorter than my right.  It is also bone on bone, in addition to all the nasty degenerative arthritis and bone cysts (caused by the inappropriate wear). This is extremely abnormal in someone my age, and he said 5 years ago they could have gone in and cleaned it out so I could put off hip replacement surgery.  Well, 5 years ago my hips didn’t bother me as much as say my knees… Anyway.  Because I am so young, and hip replacements only last 20 years tops, I was told to put it off as long as I possibly can, because I will need to have the hip replacements replaced after they wear out.  I was told to continue losing weight, and told to get really good health insurance (right now I don’t have any).   I was also told that because of the severity of my situation, the doctor here wouldn’t touch me.  I’ve got to travel to Seattle to get this done.  Yay.

I am in so much pain every day… I don’t know that “as long as possible” is going to be very long.  SO… I am aiming for 75 lbs.  I am going to keep chugging along until I’ve lost 75 more lbs (3 more bags of flour) and see how I’m feeling then.  If there isn’t a huge improvement in the pain levels, then I’m going to go to Seattle and get it taken care of.  If I continue to lose in the same speed I’m currently losing, I should be able to do in a little more than a year.  Cheer me on, I’m going to need all the help I can get.