NEW YEAR, NEW YEAR, Resolutions, blah, blah blah

I know it's been ages and ages since I've blogged.  I'm going to try not to beat myself up about it.

My pain levels have been outrageous, but going to water aerobics has helped.  I finally broke down and got a walker, so instead of pushing myself around in a a wheeled office chair, I now can get up and walk with something to hang onto.  It has a seat too, so I can sit down when I need too.  As hard as it was to come bring myself to buying one, it really has been a blessing.  Unfortunately, my walker doesn't have four wheel drive, or snow tires.  So, I haven't been able to go to the pool since it really snowed and iced over.  I didn't want to risk falling because I don't need to be any more messed up than I already am.

Since I haven't been going to the pool, I started putting weight on.  I don't know how much of that is because I haven't been able to really exercise, or the fact that the holidays were around.  I gained at least 10 lbs.  Not good.  Mom Lea and I pinky swore at New Years and made a deal that we would each lose at least 50 lbs by my birthday in June.  This is a very achievable goal.  But to add even more incentive, if I lose the 50 lbs, I will be able to get my hips replaced, and then in the fall will take a cruise to Hawaii instead of waiting until next year.  Since I didn't get out of Juneau last year, and we've been getting all kinds of awesome cruise deals in the mail, this is apparently just the incentive I've been needing.

I was thinking about signing up for weight watchers since that has worked for me in the past, but I really didn't want to spend the money.  Then I remembered Lose It!  It's a free service online that helps you track calories and exercise.  And since that is the part about weight watcher I really like, I figured I'd give it a shot again.
In addition to loose it I read this article on how to lose weight without exercise.  It made a lot of sense and was a really good reminder.  I need to slow down, pay attention to my body.  Eat when I'm hungry.  If I think I'm hungry, take a drink of water and wait 15 minutes.  If I'm still hungry after 15 minutes, then eat.

Just since Monday, I have been tracking what I eat on lose it, and following these simple steps from the above article.  Eating what I'm craving (yesterday it was anything dairy so I must be lacking calcium) and I've already lost six pounds, and I'm well on the way to my birthday goal.  YAY!

Are any of you using Lose It?  If so, lets be friends on there and help each other out.

On a Plateau, but don't care for the view.

I've been writing.  No, I really have.  I have just been keeping it to myself.  My journal writing has been dark, depressing... and sadly, true.  I don't think I purposefully try to keep on a smiling face.  Pretend that I am okay and that everything is fine.  It's obviously not.  It's just that I don't know what's okay to put out there.  I already feel like I've lost friends because of my health issues...maybe they weren't really that great of friends.  But I don't want to push it with the 8 people that read my blog.  How much do you REALLY want to know?  I am hurting badly, both physically and emotionally.... and there isn't anything I, or anyone for that matter, can do for me that they aren't all ready doing.  I'm in the middle of this terrible waiting game and I'm really tired of playing.  Really.  Tired.

On a positive note I have a really great ward family, esp Relief Society president and bishop.  Every month I will have a weight loss partner.  Someone to challenge and support me so long as I do the same for them.  This month it's the Relief Society president.  She is beautiful, and strong, and in fantastic shape, but like she told me (and I agree) who doesn't need to loose 5 lbs.  5lbs, that's it.  She challenged me to lose 5 lbs with her during the month of July.  I have lost 3 lbs since the last time I weighed in.  Hopefully this added accountability will be enough to help me past this current plateau.

Zombie Bananas

I don't know if people that live in the lower 48 have this problem, but here in S.E. Alaska we sometimes get these bananas from the store that never will ripen.  They stay green and disgusting forever, no matter what you do.  Hang them, put them in a brown paper bag, leave on the counter - it doesn't matter, they stay green.  I call these Zombie Bananas.  They creep me out.... kinda like apples that don't oxidize and turn brown when left out.  They are un-natural and freaky.  But I digress...

I feel like I need to change my blog to Zombie Bananas instead of Green Bananas, it seems much more fitting considering it's been a year since I've blogged.  I am horrible at it, always have been bad at keeping any type of journal.  I love to write, but don't make enough time for it.  So I am just going to give a quick update of what's happened in the last year.

The short of it is I felt half-way decent for the rest of the summer of 2011, spent 3 weeks in Utah visiting family and walking all over the place, went on short summer hikes with my kiddos, picked berries, canned jam, played with friends and decided to Home School my oldest.  Then I quickly went downhill.

I don't know if you know what it is like to live in constant pain.  According to pain level charts, I live at pain levels between 7 and 9.  It changes a person, and not for the better.  I like to think that I'm a fairly positive, person.  But, my life is indeed the definition of a rut.  And I am very much stuck in it.

I was depressed.  I had a hard time getting out of bed most days.  I hurt standing, sitting, laying.  I couldn't lay on one side because it made something hurt, and the other side made something else hurt and then laying on my back I have to keep my knees bent so that my back wouldn't hurt.  I literally have worn holes in my bedding from tossing and turning.  When I noticed this happening to my sheets, it made me ever more depressed.  I took so much OTC pain killer that I think I'm lucky that my kidneys and liver are still functioning properly. 

My kids lived on frozen gogurts and granola bars because that was the food they could get to easily, until I could manage to get up and prepare something more substantial for them.  I pray every day that my days spent in bed haven't messed them up for life, and I also thank my Heavenly Father that I was blessed with such well behaved and independent children.  Not many people could leave a 6 year old and a 3 year old in another room and know they were safe and not causing trouble.  They would play on PBS kids and color.  And when they needed attention from me would bring me stacks and stacks of books to read to them.  They are such good helpers to me, and without them I wouldn't be able to get both of my socks on.

I think my family and I have been surprised at how quickly my health declined.  There are probably a couple factors that caused this but they aren't important.  There were days I wished that I could just chop my left leg off.  The bone and muscle pain more than I wanted to deal with.  Then a friend of mine lost his leg in a preventable accident, and I looked up to the sky and said to God, "Okay!  I get your point.  It can ALWAYS be worse."   I decided having legs that don't work the way they are supposed to was still better than not having a leg.  I may have to drag my legs every step I make, but I have them.

I'm not writing this in hopes to get sympathy, for people to feel sorry for me, or pity me in any way.  What I need is: Understanding.  Patience.  Support.  Sincerity, and Love.

One thing I was thinking about the other day in the shower was how much I HATE the word Endure.  Endure means to Suffer Patiently.  SERIOUSLY??!!  No one has EVER accused me of being patient - Because I am not!  I have been given several priesthood blessings over the last few years.  In each of them I have been told to endure.  Except for a blessing I got for my knees that seriously made them virtually pain free for 5 years, the other blessings have not promised swift recovery, or relief from pain.  I've been told to ENDURE.  Well.... I have the suffering part down pat.  I will forever be working on the patience part.

Although my pain has not decreased, I am not feeling so down as I was a few months ago.  I noticed that I had started to put weight back on and that was NOT okay.  Detrimental even, for my health and well being.  I started using doTERRA Slim & Sassy Essential oils and shakes and quickly lost 10 lbs.  The lowest weight I got down to last year was 315 lbs.  I think I am around 319 at the moment but I'm working on that.  DETERMINED.  I am going to get below 300 lbs this year.  I must.  This is no easy task since I can barely walk, let alone exercise.  But I'm trying to move more, we go swimming as a family, and Ken and I are going to be doing yoga regularly.  There are things I can't do due to my lack of hip socket, but I'm trying not to let that keep me from the things I can. 

I want to get at least one of my hips replaced this year, and recovery will be much smoother if I'm not so heavy.  So, I'm reviving this blog, and asking the few of you who might read this to encourage me to write, and talk about things that are on my mind as I work on enduring this test I've been given, and work on loosing all the baggage and weight that accompany it.

So, the other day we went to Costco to stock up on basics; flour, sugar, butter, eggs.  I go through so much of these things that it’s crazy.  Anyway… as we were carrying the groceries in it hit me.  25 lbs. That’s how much weight I’ve lost since I started doing Weight Watchers at the end of January of this year.  30 lbs total since the beginning of this year.  It doesn’t seem like that much to me because I am disgusted that I was as big as I was, and I’m still wearing the same clothes that I was before (they just actually fit me now).  But, 25 lbs is significant.  That’s the weight of a small child, (my son until the age of 3.5) and a Costco bag of flour, or sugar.  Those are kinda heavy and kinda awkward…. And that’s how much weight I’ve lost.  I think that’s pretty cool.  And it’s enough of an incentive to want to keep it off and continue losing.

I recently went to San Francisco with my awesome Mom in Law (and NO kids) and had a blast.  We walked and rode the bus EVERYWHERE and actually ate pretty healthy.  It was encouraging to come home from a vacation and not have gained any weight.  However, I haven’t yet got back into the swing of things since being home the last few weeks, I’m not counting points, and not religiously exercising.  I need a kick in the pants to get me going again. 

I have a weigh in on the 27^th.  The first of the monthly weigh ins at Pavitts.  If I can keep the weight I lost off during the Lose2Win contest for a whole year, they will give me $100.  That I can do.  I think I need these contests to really stay motivated.  I knew my chance of winning the $1000 for the Lose2Win was slim, but this one I think I pretty much have that $100 in the bag.

Additional motivation factors: I recently went to see an orthopedic surgeon.  Up until this time I was getting all my info from my chiropractor.  I didn’t really hear anything I hadn’t heard all ready, but I wanted to hear it from a surgeon I guess.  What I did get was an idea of exactly how severe my problem was.  The normal hip is supposed to have sockets.  I don’t have any on either hip, and because of that, my hip bones have slid up and are wearing in an areas that it shouldn’t.  I walk like a gimp because my left leg is a couple inches shorter than my right.  It is also bone on bone, in addition to all the nasty degenerative arthritis and bone cysts (caused by the inappropriate wear). This is extremely abnormal in someone my age, and he said 5 years ago they could have gone in and cleaned it out so I could put off hip replacement surgery.  Well, 5 years ago my hips didn’t bother me as much as say my knees… Anyway.  Because I am so young, and hip replacements only last 20 years tops, I was told to put it off as long as I possibly can, because I will need to have the hip replacements replaced after they wear out.  I was told to continue losing weight, and told to get really good health insurance (right now I don’t have any).   I was also told that because of the severity of my situation, the doctor here wouldn’t touch me.  I’ve got to travel to Seattle to get this done.  Yay.

I am in so much pain every day… I don’t know that “as long as possible” is going to be very long.  SO… I am aiming for 75 lbs.  I am going to keep chugging along until I’ve lost 75 more lbs (3 more bags of flour) and see how I’m feeling then.  If there isn’t a huge improvement in the pain levels, then I’m going to go to Seattle and get it taken care of.  If I continue to lose in the same speed I’m currently losing, I should be able to do in a little more than a year.  Cheer me on, I’m going to need all the help I can get.

Okay, so the Lose2Win contest final weigh in was today.  I stripped down to the bare minimum clothing that I dared, and headed to the gym. I got funny looks walking into Pavitt's Gym and out of the pouring rain and low 50 temps in shorts (the glare from my bright white legs was blinding, and the hair on them didn't tone them down at all), T shirt, and bright green flip flops, but it paid off.  According to them, I've lost 2.5 pounds this last week.  I'm sure a lot of that had to do to the fact that I usually weigh in in whatever I've been wearing throughout the day, but I will take it!  That makes it a total of 18.7 pounds lost in the 13 weeks of the contest, that's 5.5% of my body weight.  I've lost 23.1 lbs since I signed up for Weight Watchers online, and 29.4 lbs since the beginning of January when I stepped on the scale and decided the ridiculousness MUST stop.  My chart zig zags up and down but consistently goes down so that is what is important.

Other excellent news is I can now wear my wedding ring.  Yay!  It's still a tight fit, but it doesn't feel like I have to cut my finger off to get the ring on and off and that's a very good thing.  It's all tarnished and dingy looking but it's the real deal and it's nice to be wearing it again.  I've missed it so.

I also went to the chiropractor today for the first time in 2 or 3 years.  It was scary, but the pain in my hip isn't getting better with the weight loss and I'm tired of feeling trapped and crippled in my body.  So, it's time to suck it up and do something about it.  I didn't get good news, or really any news that surprised me, but I went and that's all that matters.  I am hoping to be a little more mobile by the end of the month.

Microwave Dinners

I know this is going to come as a shock to some of you, but I don’t always want to cook or bake.  I know!  Shocking, isn’t it?!  Some days I just want food to magically appear, and I want it to be magically delicious, healthy, AND something everyone in my family would like to eat.  Yeah, I know… FAT chance, but a girl can dream can’t she???  Today was one of those days.

I don’t know what it is about Monday’s lately, but they have really sucked.  I know that Monday’s usually suck for people with day jobs, but they shouldn’t suck for a stay at home mom like me.  Monday should be like every other day for me, so it must just be my attitude.  And I’m sure that the fact that it is the day I weigh in for the stupid lose2win contest doesn’t help either.  Today I know it had a great deal to do with the fact that I got 1 hour of sleep last night. 

Anyway… I’ve been waiting for food to magically appear all day today and it never did.  Go figure.  The most cooking I did involved melting down some adorable, purple, bunny shaped marshmallows so I could make my adorable little girl a peanut butter/marshmallow fluff sandwich for lunch.  I decided that tonight would be a good night to have a “choose your own dinner at the grocery store” kind of night.  I also thought it would be a good chance to try out a weight watchers frozen meal.

My feelings towards microwave dinners aren’t fantastic.  They are expensive, usually taste nasty, and have enough sodium to kill the entire slug population of Juneau- possibly Alaska. This said, I do have to admit that every once in a while I break down and buy one in hopes that THIS time it will taste good.  THIS time it will even slightly resemble the gorgeous picture on the box.  THIS time it will be satisfying.  THIS time it will be different.  THIS… was not one entirely one of those times. 

After collecting the taquitos for the boy, hot dogs for the girl, and the half pound of jalapeño cheddar (for grilled cheese) for the hubby, I carefully maneuvered the massive, cumbersome, yellow race car cart down the freezer isle.  I stood dumbfounded as I stared through the glass at the choices.  I had intended to try one of Weight Watchers SmartOnes but found myself drawn towards the HealthyChoice meals instead.  I think that the SmartOnes pictures didn’t look good to me, and if the pictures don’t even look good, the chances of the food being good are even less.  

Freezer meals are the only things that I justify judging by the cover.

I went with the Healthy Choice Oven Roasted Chicken, with 15g of Protein, 5g of Fiber, 230 calories, and 7pointsplus.  “Chicken Tenderloins in Homestyle Gravy, Vegetables, Whipped Potatoes & Peach Multigrain Crisp.”  Okay, so I have to admit that I was pleasantly surprised by this meal.  It was good, it kinda resembled the picture, and didn’t totally disappoint.  My biggest complaint was that when it was gone, I was thinking I probably could easily eat about 3 of them.  What can you expect for 7pointsplus?  It would make a good snack or light lunch, but didn’t cut it for dinner.  I had Ken make me a 7point grilled cheese in addition.  I guess I could have made myself a salad, but it didn’t magically appear so… you get my drift.  Any of you have healthy alternative microwave meals that you like?

On a different note, last weeks weigh in was a bust with a 2.4 pound gain that I wasn’t the slightest bit surprised about.  Today’s weigh in was much better with a 5.2 pound loss.  Those are the kind I like.  I think the difference was the food choices I made.  I never eat more than my daily/weekly allowance of points, but this week I made even more effort, choosing smarter choices to use up points, and eating a lot more zero point values fruits and veggies. That 6 pointsplus bowl of peanut butter cap’n crunch (3/4cup cereal and 1 cup 2% milk) is a relatively low point choice as far as cereal is concerned(and a tasty one at that), but the higher point value raisin bran or grape nuts is probably better for me and keeps me satisfied longer, so I’ve been eating that instead.

I am finding myself more and more excited to get below 300 pounds.  I haven’t been in the 200 pound range since before my eldest was born over 5 years ago and it’s time.  I am aiming to get there in the next 10 weeks, but if I can do it before that, even better as I have a trip to San Francisco in May and would like to be able to get around better than I am today.  That would mean losing more than 2 pounds a week, but I can give it my best try.  I also desperately need new clothes, and REFUSE to get new clothes in my current size.  I am also still waiting for my wedding ring to fit again, but nothing new there. 

Here’s to the upcoming weeks full of healthy food choices and bumping up the exercise!

Hot Tubbing with Strange Men

This last week we decided we would change things up a bit and try going to the gym Mon /Wed /Fri so we could get 3 days in.  Monday, I worked on weight machines and totally kicked my butt.  It's been a while since I have done any of that stuff and boy did I feel it.

Going on Tuesday and Thursday, my mom in law and I have taken for granted that no body else is there in the mornings and we pretty much have the pool, hot tub and sauna to ourselves.  This wasn't the case on Wednesday.  There was a guy already swimming in the two lane pool and so mom changed and went to work out, and I had to swim since I was wearing my bathing suit under my sweats.

Swimming with a stranger in that little two lane endless lap pool was awkward to say the least, and not nearly as fun as swimming with my MIL.  I mean, I'm not a terrific swimmer, and swimming in endless lap pool is swimming against a current ranging from 500 to 1200 psi (depending on where I set it), and so when I say I am going "drowning" I'm not really joking.  And swimming next to someone who actually looks like they know what they are doing made me all the more self conscious.  Finally the guy got out and I was able to swim in peace.  Then, a very tattooed man came out and got in the hot tub.

My very favorite piece of gym equipment at Pavitt's is the hot tub.  I look forward to my 10 minutes of total relaxation in the hot tub every day I go swimming.  There is nothing better.  Except when I have to share it with strangers... especially, scary, tattoo covered, men.  Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against people with tattoos... I have one, my husband has one... but...well,  people that are literally covered in them... well, they kinda scare me.  And the kind of tattoos this guy had... well, they were kinda gang -ish.  Add to that my being EXTREMELY self conscious to begin with and (Hello!  325 lbs in a swim suit - yikes!!), well... it made that huge -probably could seat 8 people comfortably- hot tub, seem REALLY small.  I made an ice breaker comment that he chuckled at and then closed my eyes and tried to pretend I was there by myself.  He was perfectly nice, and every time I opened my eyes to look at the clock he was looking down and away, so I shouldn't have been bothered, but it was still weird.  Sitting in a Jacuzzi is something I have only ever done with friends and family so that was just strange...I know!  I know!  What should I expect in a public place, but we've been spoiled the last few months with having the place to ourselves.

I still would rather NOT hot tub with strangers.

Needless to say we didn't go on Friday.  My kids didn't sleep that night so I had no desire to get up at 5 and neither did my MIL, thank goodness.  So, we still haven't made it to the gym 3 times in one week.  It shouldn't be so hard, and I am determined to make it 3 times a week in April.  I think I can!  I think I can!

Weigh in tonight was okay.  I have lost 4 lbs... so I'm finally back down to where I was before I gained that previous two weigh ins.  This week my goal is to eat more zero point foods (fruits and veggies) and I am going to up my water intake since it's been dwindling.